Here is my story…..

I grew up in a really bad environment. My mom and step dad were drunk nearly every single night. I remember my mom sneaking in to kiss me goodnight smelling like the bar and cough drops, trying to pretend we had a normal life. My step dad beat her almost to death most nights. That’s where my anxiety first started. Hiding in closets scared for my mom’s life, I never knew if she would be alive when I came out. Eventually after 10 years, she worked up the nerve to leave. But her brokenness led her to drugs. Dealing and doing cocaine she became an addict.

I had no guidance, no rules, no reason to finish school or care about anything. I became an alcoholic at the age of 14 to numb my pain. This was normal to me. At age 16, my mom moved me to a meth house. To escape I would be gone for weeks drinking, eventually dropping out of school.

When I turned 17, I met a guy who was addicted to drugs and very physically and mentally abusive. We both were alcoholics, I don’t even remember most nights. I found out I was pregnant, and of course he denied her. I was so very immature and at no place to raise a child. I did quit drinking…until I had her. But after that I was drinking every weekend. My weekends consisted of partying and all of my money went to it. My aunt watched my daughter every weekend for me because it was my partying time.

I was the “fun one” the “life of the party.” I fit in and felt wanted and loved. But inside I was shackled in pain. Little did I know those people didn’t love me, they were as lost as I was. I met a new guy at work who I thought was the sweetest guy I’ve ever known. Not knowing he was secretly taking mass amounts of Xanax. But I did know he was an alcoholic. Not long after, I found out I was pregnant again. He left me and moved to Florida. How was I going to raise a toddler and a newborn by myself?

I didn’t see any other option. So I decided to go to Planned Parenthood. I would walk in convinced this was what I had to do. They sugar-coated all of it and encouraged me that I was doing the right thing. I’ve blocked out the protesters chanting outside and went through the motions. I was bawling but I felt like I had no options. I wanted to run out, to this day I don’t know why I didn’t. They would later put me on a cold metal table then proceeded to drag me with laughing gas while asking me questions about my life as if they cared. They were just trying to distract me. I was so messed up even if I wanted to back out of it, I couldn’t. I wasn’t even sure of how abortions really worked. Either they didn’t tell me or I just blocked out what they had told me. They then sat me in a room and gave me crackers. I barely remember it, but I do remember the crackers and the gown I was in. I don’t even remember who took me or even walking out of there. But after I left oh, I went on living as if it never happened.

About a year later I met another nice guy but he was also an alcoholic. I never felt in love with him. When I first found out I was pregnant I felt so guilty, like I had robbed my last baby of life. But I buried that even deeper. The night I came home from having my son I had a brain bleed and was prescribed my first pain pill. I also had found out it was a genetic brain disorder and that my daughter also had it. I wanted to give up and run away, I didn’t know how to handle it. I ended up with PTSD, worse anxiety then I had before and was more depressed than ever. I ran to substance abuse, drinking heavier than ever and became addicted to pain pills. I was doing cocaine almost every weekend that I drank. I ended up leaving my son’s dad sometime later, and I got even worse.

Partying my life away. I was completely numb and broken. I dated a few men who drug me down, just searching for someone to love and accept me. I settled for guy after guy, this void was NOT getting filled. Anxiety, trauma and depression had overtaken my life. I was worn out and completely lost. I started getting sick of my lifestyle, something had to change. I was exhausted. I met another man online. This time searching for someone who was a Christian. That was always important to me although I wasn’t living like one, I knew I loved God. He portrayed himself to be a Christian, and we got married very quickly. I decided to fully surrender my life to Jesus, as I laid on the floor of my apartment and cried out to Him pouring my heart out and asking Him to forgive me for everything. Right there, that day August of 2016, I asked Jesus to come into my heart and change me, and he did just that. He took addiction immediately from me and I was ready. I was full of so much joy and freedom!

Later, my now ex-husband revealed who he really was. He was a manipulator and a liar and he isolated me from everyone. I couldn’t have made it through that without Jesus. God eventually helped me get out, but I was left with more scars and more trauma. After I left it was like a switch flipped on, I knew who I was in Christ’s eyes and I was determined to get out of the town I grew up in and partied in. So I decided to trust Jesus and go back to school. I would have never believed in myself before. I entered a program called ADP. I cried everyday driving there because of my anxiety, but every day I went not in my strength but in His. I got to wear a cap and gown and walk to receive my diploma. At the same time I also got my CNA and went back to get state tested and passed! I did get to move out of the town that was not healthy for me or my children.

Jesus has completely transformed my heart and it’s because of Him that I am who I am today. That void that I couldn’t fill was now full of the love Jesus poured out to me. I have never felt so secure and so safe in my life. For the first time I belonged somewhere. This journey of healing isn’t always easy but with the support of others and their amazing redemption that Jesus Christ offers, I heal more and more each day. He promises to never leave us or forsake us, He doesn’t lie. I am a new creation and my slate is wiped clean. Don’t give up or think you’re too far gone, or that you just have to accept the cards you’ve been dealt. Because those are all lies! Jesus can change it all in an instant! My heart is completely sold out for Him because He saved me from a life of destruction, nothing else could save me from that. I am so in love with Him! Never be ashamed of your story, he makes beauty from ashes! 

Fear is a liar!

“I’m thankful for the scars, because without them I wouldn’t know your heart, and I know they’ll always tell of who you are, so forever I am thankful for the scars” Scars, by I Am They

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